Wednesday, July 11, 2018

20 Signs you have a child in reception....

1. Morning's are never the same they start off with you kindly asking your 5 year old to get dressed, to the complete MELT DOWN NO YOU CAN'T BE A FAIRY, NO YOU CANT TAKE 100 TOYS AND WILL YOU PLEASE JUST WEAR THE GOD DAMN UNIFORM (Ok the majority of that is said in my head whilst I smile sweetly and ask for the 17,000 time please can you put your socks on my sweet wonderful kind daughter)

2. The SHOES.... why is it that a right of passage to being a 5 year old is to develop the drag your shoes whilst you walk ability. The start of reception we were in Clarks, 2 weeks in we discovered we seriously need to invest in shoe polish, 8 weeks in, the heart attack and anger you feel when you walk into Clarks and spend more money on 1 pair of tiny shoes than your own entire shoe collection. And finally acceptance..... F**ck Clarks I shall be judged as the mum who doesn't invest in Clarks because I refuse to spend another £50 on tiny shoes that last 2 weeks, so hello ASDA and your fabulous selection of £10 shoes.

3. The mind numbingly boring reading books that make 15 minutes of reading every night torturous. Seriously Bob Bug, Biff, Chip and Stan need to go out and find some adventure in their lives.

4. The social calendar.... the Weekends are now filled with your 5 year olds overflowing social events. To the point your house is now stocked piled high with potential gifts for friends that you found in the sale. And the double Party weekends leave you stuffing cake furiously in your gob in order to drown out past memories of what your weekends consisted of. 

5. You realise that you are not organised! you have no idea what your doing, what your kid is doing and you send them to non uniform day in their own clothes (and Vice Versa resulting in epic parenting fail)

6. The slight relief and joy you feel when it is someone else who forgets non uniform day or that £1 for the fun run and you have actually managed to get your life in gear for that small glorious moment.

7. The never ending request for money that you may as well set up a direct debit to the school.

8. The uniforms start of pristine and ironed. To throwing it on even though it is stained because you refuse to buy a new one for your lovely receptioner to decide that they are the painting canvas. Who will notice because by the time it's pick up time they will have accumulated 10 more stains to keep the old ones company.

9. Feeling like an absolute Cr*ppy parent when it is the second school trip that you can't go on because you have a pre-schooler at home and your 5 year old wants to know why all the other mums go on the school trip and you don't!

10. Make and Do !!! Other peoples rubbish fill your house and car so you resemble a recycling centre.

11. But you end up saving the cr*p because your little darling made it so now you have a house full of rubbish but can't bare to throw it out. Oh that glorious milk bottle with 1 sequin attached to it.

12. The never ending lost episodes mainly caused by the disaster that is PE. You send your daughter in a summer dress with white socks they come out in Adams tshirt, Zara's skirt and tights. WTF????

13. You then have to spend hours on facebook groups sourcing the correct owners of said clothes whilst desperately searching for that £18 cardigan you brought begrudgingly.

14. You forget that dreaded bake off sale, the £1 fun run or the new pop up tuck money shop... leaving you with that wonderful you are failing as a parent feeling.

15. You forget sun tan lotion .... and then spend the rest of the day worrying if your child will come back burnt to a crisp but then feeling very grateful they have some indian genes you can fall back on.

16. You send your kid to the after school club because you work and you feel like an absolute ar*e of a parent for not joining the rest of the mums on the school run.

17. You join the mum's on the school run and think how the hell do they look like that when you are wearing leggings with spaghetti stains courtesy of the toddler, random flip flops because that was the quickest shoe option because once again your running late and the hair well the hair looks like a lions mane. 

18. World book day, the nativity, pirates day were all invented to cause parents across the world major meltdowns and mass panic in Asda to find a fancy dress outfit or causing the midnight mass craft session because all the other mums are organised and brought their outfit 2 weeks ago and nothing is left in ASDA. Because there is always a mass shortage of pirate outfits when it is pirates day!!!!

19. When you realise you have no idea how you have got through life without ever knowing jolly phonics. And now when ever you talk to some one you end up sounding out words like W-IN_DOOOOOW and looking a complete pratt.

20. Parents evening - when you suddenly realise that it is you on trial and you feel more nervous than you would at a work appraisal meeting....




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5 comments

  1. Sounds adventurous! My son is just 6 months but I'm sure he'll keep us just as busy.

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  2. Wow! I am having relative flashbacks to my morning and evening routines here-so glad I’m not alone in these daily battles!

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  3. I’m not quite there yet. My son is almost 2, and it is definitely a task to get him ready.

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  4. Feeling on trial! haha! I totally understand the nerves.

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